The Book of Going Forth

::::blows dust off herself and her Journal::::

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 21:23:33 GMT

Thought I'd just leave a note saying that I was alive. The "well" part I'm not sure about, but I'm here, anyway.

---LDO

Room Without A View

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:06:50 GMT

What's happened to all of us, anyway?

I don't just mean we don't sit on here and comment to each other like we used to.

I don't even see my friends anymore. I can barely get us on the phone together.

And blah, blah, "it can't be like it was in back in the day", etc., etc., but I really want to know what everyone's actually doing with their time.

I mean people like der_m get a pass b/c they're out of state at college, but where are the rest of you, anyway?

I miss talking to phalkon,
and suncrushr
and der_m
and blackripe
and darkman424

and everybody else everywhere else on the other journals, etc.

I have lots of club friends, but my friends that used to club don't go anymore.

So that's it, then.

---LDO

Crickets...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 17:42:23 GMT

Wow, it's really...um...dead here.

::::smiles::::

Not that I expect any less of you, my pretty darlings. I've been very quiet as well. Life hasn't left much time for writing, and believe me, I remember when I've said that before, but at least this time around my life is far better than it was.

I'm happy, and successful...and in love.

Yeah, that pretty much says it.

::::curls up underneath her armor and falls asleep::::

---LDO

Strange Dreams, Indeed...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 17:45:43 GMT

I went to sleep quite disturbed last night, so I suppose I should have seen this coming. You know what I'm talking about...When you're subconscious says to you,

"Hey, you're not done with this yet. You couldn't settle this in your waking life so now I have to do it here. Damn you. You're going to be tired in the morning. When are you ever going to stop thinking?"

And so it schwas that I dreamed a dream last night:

It is very hard for me to remember how most of my dreams begin, but I know what happens in the middle. (They usually get cut off before the end, if you ever needed to have that knowledge.)

I found myself having an in-depth conversation with one of my ex's over what must have been a lovely meal in a random low-lit restaurant. We don't appear mad at each other, or upset in any way, but you can tell we're not together. I view much of the beginning from a 3rd-person perspective, but in my dreams, I also move into 1st-person from moment to moment. It would be very strange outside of the dream, but feels perfectly natural while I'm in it.

The conversation continues, but I'm really not the one talking. I say something, and gesture with my left hand, which has the Onyx on it. He catches my hand, and tries to place another ring on my finger. You know the kind...Only it has some sort of iridescent purple stone - not an amethyst - in the center. Obviously, since I'm already wearing a ring on that finger, I don't understand what's going on. He didn't try to take the other one off or even ask me to do it. I'm confused, but also becoming slightly angry that someone would try to replace what I already have. Before I can take it off my finger, though, I look down, and the stone in his ring has fallen out. It looks as if the ring might break right before my eyes. I just look at him, remove his ring, place it on the table and walk away.

Anyone up for a little dream interpretation? I'm open.

---LDO

EDIT: Just so we're all clear on this...He did not give me a cheap ring. The ring was much more expensive than the one I'm wearing...What I'm saying about the ring is, when I looked away for a moment and then went to remove it, the ring had begun to rapidly decay and corrode before my eyes, probably from the second I had it placed on my finger.

ADDENDUM:

Had a moment to check out some dream interpretation sites...

Rings often symbolize promises or commitments, both literally and figuratively. However, if you have dreamed about a broken ring or one that has lost its stone this symbolizes your disappointment and unhappiness in the relationship.
I'm satisfied now.

Happy Birthday, Phalkon!

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 14:21:01 GMT

::::throws confetti while Akhet flashes her lights::::

You know you are my favorite bird in the whole world.

Think of all the great times this year so far:

- Falling down the stairs with the Kitten.
- Bondage nights at Exit
- Watching Invader Zim at your house
- Eating way too much junk food watching Kung Fu Hustle
- Getting pictures taken at Noctunra
- Leaving Nocturna and getting our collective groove on at Neo
- Schfifty-five

And that's just a sample.

Have a great time tonight, and I miss you! We need to hang out sometime. Let a Kitten know.

---LDO

Onyx and Turquoise

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 21 Jun 2005 17:22:34 GMT

I have these new pieces of armor. It was rather strange how I came to own them. Neither of them were mine to begin with. I was just watching over them, really. But when I offered to give them back to their rightful owners, they both said they didn't know what I was talking about.

I find both pieces to be incredibly comforting, each in their own special way.

Soon, I should show off the piece I had made for me...

...and wouldn't you know...

I had to buy a mask.

But the point of this all is, with the new armor I have, I've been able to remove some of the old pieces from time to time, when I think it is safe.

I may not sleep with weapons by my side, but apparently now, I do actually sleep with one eye open.
I guess you can never be too careful...You know, being a ninja and all.

::::laughs::::

Come on, Akhet...Let's take a break from work and relax.

---LDO

Native Soil

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 10 Jun 2005 15:47:44 GMT

For each and every one of you that has come home or will be home soon, I welcome you. I know that not all of you can stay, but at least for a while, you tread the same earth as me, and I am grateful for that.

Welcome home, my friends.

---LDO

P.S.: Homeward

The hallowed lands so far behind
As fleeting dreams still linger
Like distant voices through the rain
Like grains of sand cast from my hands

I never thought I'd go this far
Without a star to cross the seas
So far from shores I'd left behind
Still far from shores I've yet to reach

I try to find the strength I need
To calm the doubts in my belief
With the will, I know my heart won't break

And if I have strength, then I've belief
If I have love, my heart still beats
Here under stars
Far from home

The picture fades, the light recedes
The sound is lost in whispers
My recollections once clear and pure
Now distant lights that dim with time

I never thought I'd go this far
Without a star to cross the seas
So far from shores I'd left behind
Still far from shores I've yet to reach

Advisory

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 17:06:31 GMT

Try to take my armor off again, and it will be the last thing you ever see.

---LDO

LDO: Upgraded

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 27 May 2005 21:27:41 GMT

So...What do you think of my new icon that darkman424 was so generous as to burninate for me?

---LDO

Warning

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 26 May 2005 17:38:52 GMT

Do not make me use my scalpels. I am extremely dangerous with blades. Back away slowly, and no one gets hurt.

---LDO

Faeth En Ztatik 4EVR

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 17 May 2005 04:49:53 GMT

Dear Z,

It's been two years since you've been gone. I still miss you. I've thought about you quite a bit over the last year. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know there's a reason which escapes me even now. I met one of your old girlfriends just recently. I had never known her before. I like her. She seems like a good girl. A little lost, but has a good heart...Just like you did. She misses you terribly. She's so young, and so broken, and no one wants to talk about you with her, except me...And I know, I know. We weren't the closest friends. I tried in my way, but I wanted to let well enough alone with you sometimes, because that's what you always wanted. You didn't want the spotlight...That's why you couldn't have looked any more nervous then when they threw us up on stage at Chasers the first night we met. I was scared because it was my first night there, and I didn't know what was going on, or who all those people were, or why they were practically dragging us up there and yelling...All because they wanted to do the "Best-Dressed Contest."

::::laughs::::

And they couldn't choose between us, so they picked us both. I was watching your face. I remember complimenting you, and you looked at your boots and smiled.

God, I'll remember your smile forever.

I miss you so much...

Sometimes I think that I see a glimpse of you here and there when I'm out.

Like I keep thinking I'm going to see you, in a corner somewhere, with your eyes closed, and a half-smile playing on your lips, swaying ever so slightly to the music...

I have your music. Phalkon gave me a copy. I'm going to listen to it today at work and remember you.

I wish that I had touched your heart the way you touched mine...It's a cross I've carried for some time.

I loved you in my way. I'm so very sorry, Z. For everything. This is one time that I can't try to fix anything...One time that I absolutely cannot help.

And it eats away at me, Z.

I'm still crying, long after you're gone...

Love and Remembrance Always,

Lady DarkOne

Auf Wiedersein, Mein Freund.

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 13 May 2005 14:07:46 GMT

Please join me in wishing der_m the best on his journey to the Fatherland...

I'm hoping he picked up a few good travel tips from me, otherwise he'll be sitting on the side of the road with a sign that says:

WILL WORK FOR JAGER

::::smiles::::

Take lots of pictures, especially the "1st cigarette in Europe," and here's hoping you run into more Germans than tourists.

(You know I'm still serious about sending you money to buy cool German things, right?)

Anyway, keep your socks up and your glasses on and you should be fine.

Good luck, and godspeed.

Reise, reise!

---LDO

You're So Much Happier Now, Aren't You?

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 12 May 2005 02:46:14 GMT

Yeah, I thought so.

The truth is, this is worse than you ever imagined it would be, isn't it?

I never agreed how it would all be in the end, because I knew better than to try to predict the future...But the future is now, staring you in the face with murderous eyes, steely-hearted, and waiting to grab you in the darkness...and make sure that you never come back.

What will you do, my brave Warrior?

I don't know.

I'm starting to care less and less, anyway.

I think I'll watch from the sidelines...since that's where you wanted me to be anyway. No interference?

No fucking problem.

You can keep all your static to yourself.

---LDO

Fortune Cookie

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 10 May 2005 18:07:59 GMT

LDO gave in to the Chinese food demons today and had some Lo Mein...Then it was time for the fortune.

You will be freed from the heavy burdens you've been carrying.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

---LDO

Mistaken (Gender) Identity

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 06 May 2005 20:31:43 GMT

::::LDO walks behind a seated Account Manager::::

::::Account Manager turns around and looks up::::

(Startled) AM: Oh, I thought you were Eric.
LDO: I get that a lot.

---LDO

Now for an announcement...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Wed, 04 May 2005 16:51:12 GMT

Happy Birthday to the Diva!

::::throws confetti::::

::::whispers at Akhet::::Psst! You're on.

::::Akhet flashes her lights and the stereo plays "Happy Birthday"::::

Yay!

She doesn't read my journals, but I can't help wishing her well on her special day. She's...well...In true Diva fashion she'd beat me with a stiletto if I told you how old she was. Some of you know. But hey, you cannot deny it, and neither can I:

She's still hot.

Dear gods, let me look that good when I'm her age.

So I bought her exactly what she asked for, and I think I'll stop to get her some exotic flowers on the way home from work. She's the best Mother in the entire universe. She's my friend, also, and not everyone gets to have that. And if it wasn't for her, I don't know what I'd do...

Thanks for everything, and Happy early Mother's Day, too. (Angel and I bought her a very beautiful gold tipped rose. Hope she likes it.)

---LDO

A Life Less Ordinary

halonrvrse@aol.com — Wed, 04 May 2005 04:31:57 GMT

I've been feeling strange
Left in the dark
Fighting through madness
Feeling torn apart
Now the time has come
For a change
It's a chance for me
To take center stage

The list of my detractors
Will not conquer me
In my search for
A life less ordinary

You aren't hearing me
I won't play pretend
Or explain emotions
I need not defend
But you're in my face
And you're in my way
Well, we never agreed
On anything, anyway

I don't need your arms
To carry me
A door is opening to
A life less ordinary

Talking in circles
I used to think so much
I've had enough of
Dissecting what I touch
So here's where it ends
You can wish me luck
Or you can curse my name
I really don't give a fuck

I used to wish for you
Standing next to me
While in pursuit of
A life less ordinary
Now it seems
That was not to be
Because you refused
To accept me...
(For who I was
And what I may be)

---LDO

Blue PVC and Red Fur

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 03 May 2005 17:28:58 GMT

That's what you saw this weekend, or not, as the case may be. (No, my Polish friends, decidedly not at the same time.)

It was an excellent weekend. A little strange, but not painful, except for the music at Nocturna. I swear to you now, I can only handle a couple of hours and then I get agitated and violent and need to go to Neo. It was good to see everyone, and awesome to dance with Phalkon, der_m, privateer, and suncrushr. Even blackripe and deadpyro666 came out on Saturday.

I rocked the house down at Neo that night, though. Holy crap. For those that didn't see it, this is the only way to describe it:

LDO: Now equipped with overdrive.

I haven't actually felt anything in my legs from dancing since about well, (sigh) September. This was a whole new kind of insanity. I love it.

Quote of the night:

You're hard to keep up with, you know that?

::::laughter::::

No one can keep up with me. Not anymore.

---LDO

P.S.: People screaming out of their cars at me was also a nice bonus to the night.

You remind me of better days gone by...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Mon, 25 Apr 2005 18:01:38 GMT

I know that you don't even read this anymore, so if I really wanted to tell you these things I would just pick up the phone, but, again, I just can't do it.

There are some days when it sucks being without you.

It's like getting kicked out of Eden all over again.

I live on a diet of ashes, and every time I speak your name, shards of glass slice me open inside.

There are so many reminders, so many memories...I think this is the first time that I've ever thought about leaving it all behind...

And to know now that deep, down inside, what I feared all along was true, I am broken all over again.

I wish I could hate you, but there's no reason for it, and it wouldn't be any easier, anyway.
I can't even be mad at you.
I love you...and I will miss you more than you will ever know.

---LDO

Meanwhile, in LDO's Garage...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 21 Apr 2005 17:55:09 GMT

::::sits on the floor, looking at Akhet::::

They say they don't believe in you. They don't think you're real. I'm just making you up, and it's a total joke that you look the way you do.

::::Akhet's lights dim::::

It's okay.

::::LDO strokes the hood with a leather glove::::

You know what?

People didn't believe in me until they met me, either....
That's why you are the perfect car for me.

'nkh.ti snb.ti wdja.ti, Akhet.

::::lights brighten::::

---LDO

Kittens on Wheels

halonrvrse@aol.com — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 04:38:49 GMT

Oh, my Readers, how long have we all wished and prayed for this day...(Some of you more than others, but that is neither here nor there right now...)

I have bought the Car.

Finally. She is all mine. I can barely believe it. I drove her out of the dealership tonight and I keep going outside just to look at her.

She's that kind of Car.

I know you want to see what she looks like in person, but if you must have the info right now, here it is.

Specs

2004 Chevrolet Cavalier LS Sport
11,000 miles
1 60 yr-old previous owner that just had to trade her in for an '05 Cobalt (WTF?)
moonroof
rims
awesome sound system
tinted windows
and a bunch of other crap that I don't feel the need to discuss because it's a given

Oh, and trust me, you'll see her coming...

She's bright yellow.

Ha! Now you'll never see me again...just her as she blows past you on the highway to Neo.

---LDO

P.S.: Oh yeah, one more thing. She's bought and paid for. No financing. Since I did need to take her right away, and she was more expensive than I had orginally thought I would pay, I got a temporary loan from the Diva, but she'll get back every cent by next month.

An Announcement

halonrvrse@aol.com — Tue, 19 Apr 2005 14:54:41 GMT

A _shift has been made.

That is all.

---LDO

Then the waters rose...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Thu, 14 Apr 2005 18:28:52 GMT

and consumed everything in their path.

Hi.

It's been really fun, lately...

Emotionally, I mean.

Physically, I'm pretty well.
Mentally, I'm still sharper than you.

But the rest...

::::waves her hand and sighs::::

It's a problem.

However, changes are on their way. (The Machine will process more efficiently, and all of that techno-speak that I will not generate now.)

Hopefully, they will be good.
If not, well, at least it will be different and different is good, isn't it?

---LDO

P.S.: Soon I will do something I have waited for quite some time to do. I hope I am ready for it.

This is one whole week I'm not going to get back...

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 08 Apr 2005 04:00:55 GMT

..and the weekend isn't looking good, either.

Let the impotent fist-shaking commence.

---LDO

LDO's New Motto

halonrvrse@aol.com — Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:31:13 GMT

Strong enough to be(at) a man, biologically born a woman.

Happy Friday, all.

Now let's see some dancing, shall we?

---LDO